Charlie's Blog

Welcome to a blog about a boy with a rare heart disease, his mum and dad, and his adventures.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Viva Forever

I have been reading lots of other blogs lately - other CM blogs as listed on my site, and my friend's blogs as well. One entry that struck a chord with me was one that mentioned having a mantra to help get you through the tough days. This mom's mantra was something along the lines of "Eyes, wise, heart, smart" - she loves her child's eyes, wisdom, new heart, and her intelligence. I have been having a hard time of late and wanted to come up with a mantra of my own. It took me a few days, but now I've got it.

"This is forever."

It means so many things to me. "This is forever" - as in Charlie is going to be around for a long, long time and to enjoy every minute with him. Put away the tears, Bradstreet, and buck up, because this is forever (Bradstreet is my maiden name, and what I still call myself when I need to toughen up). "This is forever" - as in, Charlie, while he may get better, will have DCM for his. entire. life. "This is forever", as in what being a parent is all about, because even if, a long time from now, Charlie isn't around, I'll still be his mum and that is certainly forever.

It's made me feel better the few times I've already had to use it. I don't know why, exactly, these past three weeks have been so tough, so rollercoaster-y. Matt thinks that I am grieving our old life, that I didn't fully accept what was happening at first. I think that may be true, but it's been three months and I've never been a brush-things-under-the-couch type of person before, so why now? I think perhaps that I had deluded myself into thinking Charlie was going to get better from this as though from a flu or cold - one day, he'd just start eating more and we'd go for an echo and he would be healed. It has taken me time to understand this new world we've been thrust into - this world of medical stores and doctors and nurses and hospitals. It's the time that has allowed me to grieve our old life, as well as the one we now know Charlie won't have (we had high hopes for an at least partially athletic child). But it's also taken me time to rebuild the future I had in my head, and my mantra is helping with that. No matter what, Charlie is still here, still happy and beautiful, and this is forever.

Addition: I said this to Matt this morning and he thought I should post about it. I've been feeling lately like Charlie won't EVER crawl or move in a forwards direction - and then last night I realized: people that can walk, do walk. He'll get there. It's just a matter of time. :)

Viva Forever - The Spice Girls

Do you still remember
How we used to be
Feeling together, believe in whatever
My love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers
Young love in the sun
Felt like my saviour, my spirit I gave ya
We'd only just begun

Hasta Manana,
Always be mine

Viva forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live forever,
For the moment
Ever searching for the one

Yes I still remember,
Every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I'd heard
Slipping through our fingers,
Like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind

Hasta Manana,
Always be mine

Back where I belong now,
Was it just a dream
Feelings unfold, they will never be sold
And the secret's safe with me

Hasta Manana,
Always be mine

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