I'm so tired.

Who knew there was a song - a Beatles song, at that - that had the perfect title for how I'm feeling right now?

The day-to-day drudgery that is Charlie's schedule is getting to me today. I didn't even have anything else do to - its not like I wanted to go out and couldn't because of a barf or a nap. I'm just realizing, slowly, how long a battle this is going to be.

Charlie (and thus, I) spend 4 hours a day, minimum, 'on the drip' (his NG tube/ gravity set). We sit from 6-7am, 10-11am, 2-3pm and 6-7pm). Then, I sit, alone with my iPad, from 10-11:30pm, dripping in the final feed. This time does not include getting his solids into him three times per day, right before these structured feeding times. I have been doing this with Charlie since August. Every. Single. Day. I make an effort to get out of the house from 3-4:30pm, because we have to be home by 5pm for medication. I like structure and I know it's good for Charlie, but this is definitely too much of a good thing.

Lately, and I don't know if I'm getting sick or what, but I have just been so frustrated with...everything. I have a smidge of a sore throat and I'm finding it really difficult to wake up from my morning nap. I'm feeling run down and a bit sad again, and I don't know why. Charlie is progressing well, walking and moving around, and usually happy. I really think I am just tired. Soul-tired.

Today was not a great day. Charlie is recovering from his vaccines last week, and the MMR shot has affected both his mood and his ability to keep food down this week. Today, he threw up half of his morning feed, and then his solids at 2pm (fairly rare for him to throw up solids). Then, he would have kept down his 2pm bottle, but he decided a navy blue thread on the carpet looked delicious, and so in his mouth it went. Of course, this elicited a barf. I was so mad. The rest of the day was fine, but I really don't think Matt can understand how tired I actually am, all he time. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

It'll have to be a better day, because I get a night out! I am going out with my sister-in-law tomorrow night to see Gotye. If you haven't heard this song yet, give 'er a go. It's great. We get to have dinner out too! There is nothing I like better then dinner downtown at a brewery. :) I intend on imbibing a little. I am being driven home.

If we look at the positives today, it could have been worse. We switched out Charlie's tube, which becomes better every time. He did keep down more then he was before we altered his feeding amounts (rather then doing 5x175 mLs, we now do various amounts depending on the time of day - less in the morning, more at night). He was in an ok mood for most of the day. Super chatty.

That said, I honestly hope he's an asshole tomorrow night while I am out. It is so unfair that I get all the bad moods. ;)

I'm so tired - The Beatles

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder, should I get up and fix myself a drink?
No no no

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do
I'm so tired, my mind is set on you
I wonder, should I call you? But I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on, but it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane

You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid get

You'd say I'm putting you on, but it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane

You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'll give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
I'll give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind

Crazy & A Much Better Day

Two topics this evening: 1. "Am I out of luck? Perhaps I am just crazy." and 2. "A much better day". Let's begin, shall we?

1. Am I out of luck? Perhaps I am just crazy. Does anyone else think that they are 'lucky' in their day-to-day lives? I'm talking little, tiny things, like getting the dirty clothes IN the hamper when you throw them across the room, or the tea bag doesn't hit the floor when you accidentally fling it across your kitchen, or the paper jam in your printer is easily fixed. I have always considered myself one of those kinds of 'lucky' people. Just to be clear: I am aware that I am lucky to have a great family (two, really), a wonderful husband, an adorable child, a fantastic education and a career I find fulfilling. I'm not talking about those things. I am talking about the tiny, miniscle things that make up an ordinary day. Like winning a draw at a fundraiser. Or spellcheck getting your word right every time. Or, once you are a mum, not getting poop on your hands when you change a diaper.

I feel like these things suddenly stopped happening for me.

At first, I thought it was a shift in my perspective. Have a gone from a 'glass half full' to a 'glass half empty' person because of Charlie's diagnosis? I don't think so. So, I started paying more attention to those little things - its hard to not pay attention when you're suddenly making more messes and mistakes then before. I noticed that, yep, I was missing shots more often then I was getting them in, spilling things, getting poop on my hands, etc. WAY more often then before. Before what? Before Charlie? His diagnosis? Being pregnant? I can't be sure when it started, (or stopped, rather) but it seems that kind of luck has run out for me. I wonder if it's the lack of quality sleep I get, but then how would that affect winning things? Or my paper jam? No, I definitely think luck has turn it's back on me. So, the question becomes, why?

Here's what I am hoping: when Charlie was really sick and in the hospital, I divorced and made up with god (God?) several times. During one of the times we were on speaking terms, I offered to swap anything - pronounced EN-EE-THING - for Charlie to get better. I think my luck has been taken and given to Charlie. I think it's taking extra attention from whoever/whatever to make him well, and well he is getting.

So now you see where the crazy part comes in.

Anyways, that's thought #1 for today.

2. Today was a much better day. Since I last posted, Charlie has gotten over his terrible reaction to his vaccines. Whoa, that was brutal. Poor dear didn't know what to do with himself. You could tell he noticed feeling better when we woke up on Thursday - he opened one eye and cautiously stretched one arm over his head, and then the other, and then both eyes popped open and he gave me a HUGE smile. He has been in a pretty good mood since then, and then today, this happened. I could not believe it.

This child is, clearly, not going to crawl. Thank you, Nannie and Grandpa, and Fisher-Price. :)

Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

It's a good day - Peggy Lee

Yes, it's a good day for singing a song,
and it's a good day for moving alone; (ALONG)
Yes, it's a good day, how could anything go wrong,
A good day from morning' till night

Yes, it's a good day for shining your shoes,
and it's a good day for losing the blues;
Everything go gain and nothing' to lose, (TO GAIN)
`Cause it's a good day from morning' till night

I said to the Sun, " Good morning sun
Rise and shine today"
You know you've gotta get going
If you're gonna make a showin'
And you know you've got the right of way.

`Cause it's a good day for paying your bills;
And it's a good day for curing your ills,
So take a deep breath and throw away your pills;
`Cause it's a good day from morning' till night.